the part of you that got left behind

a two part practice for you to try

what part of you got left behind in your childhood?

not because you outgrew it, but because you were forced to shove it down to keep yourself safe.

for me, one of those parts is the little theater kid who never really got to be a theater kid.

i was in a play in grade six or seven (memory is tough). I remember the play was called Gilligan’s Island and i was Gilligan.

i had completely forgotten this until recently.

it was a joyful memory that had just… vanished.

i also did a school speech around the same time. i played this nerdy character with big glasses, my pants pulled up high, hair slicked. i don’t even remember what the speech was about. but i do remember what it felt like to be in front of people.

to embody a character. to be playful and bold and weird and expressive.

and then that part of me disappeared.

i was told that if i could act, then i must be a good liar.

and i was told that nothing i said could be believed.

when i tried to say i was sick, i was lying.

when i tried to say i was hurt, i was lying.

when i tried to say i was being sexually abused, i was lying.

they used my joy, my innocence and this gift inside me as a weapon to discredit me.

and it worked.

i internalized it. i believed them.

maybe i was making it up. maybe none of it really happened. maybe i was dramatic. maybe my whole life was just a character i was performing. i started feeling like i couldn’t trust myself, and i felt crazy.

so i threw that part of myself away, and i decided the worst thing i could be was good at acting.

the expressive, playful, innocent theater kid got locked out of my life.

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now at age 32, i want that part back.

acting didn’t make the abuse untrue. and that part of me (the one who could play, express, create) was never the problem.

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the practice: writing to the part of you that’s been left behind

this is something i do often in my healing… when a part of me feels disconnected, shut down, or frozen in time.